STEAMING THE VICTUALS

As a man who’s inclined toward simplicity, I feel obliged to commend my “Turbo Steamer.” Why? you ask.

First and foremost, I find steamed food juicy and tasty. Many are partial to the oven or the grill. While I’d never push such fare off my table rudely, I must say that “burnt offerings” are not quite as healthy as steamed meats and vegetables (“veggies”). And steamed spices, added to “bulk up” the main ingredients, always melt nicely into the mix. We do recommend experimentation. Yet, even “nude” the victuals steam into a tasty combination. Don’t throw away that “pot-licker!”

There are benighted sorts who suppose steamed food must be “too soft.” A man possessed of a proper set of “choppers” may think that such a condition is unworthy of his pearly teeth. This is ridiculous. Steamed veggies need not be soft. One need only have an apprentice level of cooking experience to realise that each food must enter the pot at its proper time in the meal preparation. A little self-reliance in regard to cooking will prove invaluable.

Now, the Turbo Steamer mentioned by me at the outset is my tool of record for steam cooking. It is big. This is worth emphasizing because many people, particularly men, still like to eat “abundanza.” This steamer will handle a bruiser of a chunk of red meat or chicken. Slicing the meat into reasonable pieces will aid the uniform preparation, according to timelines, but isn’t necessary. However, since this particular steamer has a neat addition, a grill-container for either veggies or meat, which can be set above the interior base and sides inwhich the boiling water toils, it makes good sense to cut either into comfortable pieces.

Now, while things are cooking above, it is also possible to simultaneously cook below. Wow! My favorites in this regard are potatoes and rice. A pot roast can be begun at this level, or half a chicken, prior to adding water, if one wants to “close” the flesh a bit, before completing the process by adding water and boiling it or removing it to the grill-container above and steaming it to completion. There are options afforded. Play with the tool’s potential usages.

The Turbo Steamer is also ideal for cooking fresh fish. If the fish is not ideally fresh, one can cook it to an acceptable level of tastiness with some herbs, spices, butter and lemon. Folks, let us be survivors, if we must. Eat! Live!

Now, it is absolutely possible to prepare a vegetarian meal with this steamer. Further, one can do so and not be hungry an hour and a half later. Abundance! Eat with passion, people. Invite some Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses over to do the talking, while you put those victuals down the pie-hole. When you’ve finished eating, say, “Thanks, you’ve given us much food for thought, and now we must ask you to depart, as we retire early, unless you can stay and help with the dishes.” 

There is nothing wrong with exhibiting a communal spirit in regard to necessary chores. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

In my Turbo Steamer there is also an additional piece that is the shape of a pie pan. Guess what? You can cook a desert in your Turbo Steamer! Neat! How sweet it is to finish a tasty meal with a dessert. There is ample room for creativity here. Myself, I’ve successfully executed rice-based desserts and cheese-based ones that were so tasty, one might weep for the joy it gave. Take a deep breath! There’s more. A cornucopia of foods, wonderfully tasty and abundant, can be EASILY prepared.

When the meal is concluded, there is only one pot to clean. Great! This Turbo Steamer cleans really easily. When you’re feeling a bit stuffed, that isn’t a consideration to slight.

Let me conclude by stating loudly and clearly: I LOVE MY TURBO STEAMER!

UNIDENTIFIED HAITIAN PAINTERS ["UHP"]

Figures stare accusingly from a chocolate background at the observer:

This

There have been reports over the years of Unidentified Haitian Painters ["UHP"]. Some of the more articulate students of this phenomenon have written to U.S. Senators and Representatives, as well as the DOD, NASA, National Gallery of Art, and even the Library of Congress, trying to generate interest in this subject. According to some thoughtful souls, perhaps only God can identify certain Haitian painters. Still, the hardier students resolutely attempt to stimulate interest in this important area of Art. 

How did I get interested in this admittedly specialized field of Art? Funny you should ask!

A couple of years ago I inherited two Haitian oil paintings. These had belonged to a cousin who managed to do little labor in life and much travelling. For many of you that is a more intriguing story, but we’re not going there. Our focus is Art (note the capital letter!). I am serious on this subject, and my unofficial ranking amongst the top twenty Art critics in the world proves my point.

According to usually reliable cousins of mine, my traveling cousin had obtained these paintings at one or more occasions upon sojourning in Haiti. (This would be post-PaPa Doc Duvalier). Stateside, he averred that he had been assured that the painters who executed these paintings were “highly regarded.” Whether or not he was in his “cups” at that time, I cannot say. I can say that these two paintings do not meet my standard for museum quality. Therefore, I cannot help but puzzle at my cousin’s assurances. I suppose he felt they met the qualifications for home quality, as that is where he put them.

The “clearness of vision” of this traveling cousin had long past begun a steep descent under the spell of Pan, his constant companion. Therefore, when I received the two paintings, I couldn’t be too disappointed. Yet, I did think that they might be identifiable. I am hereby issuing an “all points bulletin,” hoping to find what Haitian talent attempted these expressions of Haiti–these visions. Let me, then, share my observations of these two paintings, and devil take the hind part.

Painting number one:  40 x 30 inches. Lower right corner, one find’s the artist “signature.” It appears to be “Michael>”  That is all I see. There is a brown frame around it of one inch width. The entirety of the background was executed in a chocolate brown with a slightly red coloring mixed in, creating a rather appealing shade of brown. It is a bare night scene, excepting for groups of figures surrounding a central figure. Above this single figure, near the top central part of the painting, are two overlapping moons. The overlapping moons create a unity that is redolent with symbolism. The moon to the left is black; the moon to the right is white; and where they overlap, there is blood red. The overlapping occurs slightly less than six inches directly over the central figures head.

The centrally located figure is approximately 13 inches tall x 2.5 inches wide. The central figure is given a rectangular item of clothing which begins at the base of the neck and ends at the knees. This rectangle is 6.5 x 2.5 inches. It is colored a reddish-orange. As the black figure it partially conceals has influenced the reddish-orange rectangle’s uniformity of color, there is a sort of overlap that bleeds the common areas, recalling the overlapping moons above the figure.                

This central figure, as with all the other figures, has no feet, nor arms, nor ears, nor hair. There is a momentary image flash in my mind of some creature coming out of a shell. It has an uncertain gender, but seems somewhat more female, based mostly on dressing apparel. One of the legs is about 2.5 inches long. The other is about 2.75 inches, suggesting that the figure may be walking toward the viewer of the painting. Each leg is tappered to a dull point. The neck is about 1.5 inches long and broadens at the base, as if forming a shoulder. The face is about 2.25 inches long and 1.75 inches broad. Both are measured at the maximum center lines. The eyes are set about 7/8 inch from the central top. The eyes are rather large and rather long. The large pupils/irises are black, and the cornea white. The two eye are broadly spaced. There is a partially scraped area which forms the long, broad nose. Below it is a scraped mouth which is closed, full and composed. There is a vaguely sorrowful and accusatory expression on the face.

To the upper right and the upper left of the central figure are two sets of couples. Both are rendered similarly to the central figure [no appendages other than tappered legs]. The figures to the right are clothed in similar rectangular “clothing.” The figure to the far right is standing a little behind the one on the left. The right figure wears an orangish-yellow outfit. The one on left wears a forest green outfit. It is about 7.75 inches tall, while the figure behind is about 7 inches tall. The faces of these figures are rendered less distinctly human. The position of the eyes more abstract. At first glance the heads seem misshapened, after the fashion of E.T. blended with a Ninja turtle. However, the artist may well have wanted to suggest a woman’s hair, pulled straight back behind the head in a bun or even a dark kerchief, as perceived in darkness. At any rate the effect is a lessened humanity. Sadness and defeat seem to radiate from their eyes, especially. Their companions straight across the canvas are wearing the same outfits, but the far left one is forest green and the nearer one wears reddish-orange, similar to the central figure. They are posed and related in a generally close approximation of the figures to the far upper right.

Below the figures to the upper left are a trio of figures. The central figure is set back from the other two and wears a blue that varies from middle blue to light blue at the edges. The face and eyes are rendered in the general fashion of the painting’s large central figure, but its perspective, based upon the eyes, seems to be that of a person on lower ground gazing at someone on higher ground [the viewer of painting, standing square in front of the painting]. The corneas of the eyes of this figure are the most prominent of all the figures [or the black-rendered iris/pupil complex is least, relatively]. To her left and a few paces ahead is another stylized head, otherwise similar to the figures above her. She wears the reddish-orange rectangular garb. Ahead of her to her right and ahead a step is a similar figure, drapped in orangish-yellow.

Straight across from this trio to the lower far right is another trio of figures, similarly rendered. The figures have similar relationships to each other, as the ones on the left. The central figure of these three again recalls the larger central figure in the canvass. The eyes this time have the most prominent pupil/iris complexes, relative to the cornea’s white. Her two companions are again rendered after the stylized ones to the lower left. All the stylized figures below show only one eye. These ares are relatively large and “cyclops-like.” As with the left figure, the right figures have paralel color schemes, unlike those duos on either side above them.

Haitian painting number two: It is 24 x 18 inches, It appears to be ink and pastel. The scene rendered is an impressionistic, lifelike, rustic one. In the background are steep, rolling hills. Nearer, ones see a line of shrubbery and a few stylized trees. To the foreground a dirt road. Large in the central picture is a burro behind which and perhaps riding upon is a woman of perhaps thirty-something years. She wears a flowing, green kerchief on her head. Her dress is a sort of peachy-rust. In her right arm she holds the reins of the burro. The woman and burro are traveling left to right as the painting is viewed. The burro carries a fairly large basket on its right side nearest viewer. It is either empty or perhaps carries the woman [her legs aren't visible nor her left hand]. Parenthetically, missing appendages may be an artistic idiom peculiar to Haiti.

 The detailing of the figures is cursory, and there is a touch of the draft and sketch about it. To the woman’s left behind the shrubbery rises a one room cottage with straw roof. There are five large birds flying in the distant sky above and beyond the cottage. They are rendered by black line.  Straight across the sky to the painting’s left are four more birds rendered as before. Both woman and burro are facing downward. The burro leads with left leg which is closest to the woman, and it almost parallels the line of the woman’s arm, holding the reins. The entire picture is shades of brown, peach, gala apple, yellow, beige, rust, orange, shages of green and black ink. 

The painter’s signature is at lower right, blending slightly with an inked, broad-leaf plant. It appears to be, “MJlussez” [the last name is not easily made out].    

These Unidentified Haitian Painters are hanging on a wall at my office. They seem to say: “J’accuse,”  as I have failed to discover their creators’ names and relative stature. Does anyone have a reasonable, verifiable notion of who these Haitians are? Please advise me, or send a message to the House Subcommittee on Unidentified Haitian Painters. Thanks.

 

All rights reserved. Gobigfoot, 2007.

7 ELEVEN V. STARBUCKS

For years there has been an on-going debate on the best supplier of coffee for that first cup of the day. The issue is complex. At this point in time we choose to put “hard-charging” McDonalds on the back-burner. This leaves the undisputed contenders for “best first cup” of the work day to 7 Eleven, on the one hand, and Starbucks, on the other. So, who’s best?

In terms of fresh, Columbian coffee 7 Eleven is the clear winner. Well-toasted & slightly crisp as fresh coffee, the roasted bean of Columbia has no superior nor peer. This coffee is what keeps folks coming back. As an added bonus, this excellent cup of coffee is decidedly cheaper than anything Starbucks serves up, which the latter does, typically, with an unpleasant after-flavor of superciliousness, which seems doubly unpleasant as its servers have little perceivable merit. But then again, I’ve never been a Francophile.

All this being duly noted, as a general coffee vendor, Starbucks offers more choices at better quality than 7 Eleven. Their coffee tends to be stronger and smoother than a fresh coffee at 7 Eleven. For my taste I want coffee with personalty, and smoothness isn’t high on my list of desired characteristics. This sort of habitual Starbucks fare is, in my view, strictly for the post-natal “waddlers.” Nor do I want the sort of coffee that makes me suppose that Im the guest of a desert sheikh. People, I drink my coffee neat! Therefore, the coffee must be RIGHT. If it is not, it’s a bad experience, or, in the terminology of Hollywood’s premier misanthrope, Clint Eastwood, “mal paso.”

In terms of ambiance, Starbucks is usually dimmer, quieter and less proletarian than 7 Eleven. The solid foods offered by Starbucks are a better quality than its rival, and they include pastries, fruit, and sandwiches. However, the clients of Starbucks don’t appear to be the sorts to relish food abundanza, and I doubt that food is a great profit-center, although they may unload a lot of sandwiches at lunch.

Quite a few 7 Eleven stores are well-lit, open, “airy,” and have widely spaced aisles. They have a wide variety of potential foods for their clients to consider. They also have a broad range of other items which may come in handy, topping off one’s purchase of that fresh cup of Columbian coffee. The proletarian clients mix with the “movers & shakers” in a sometimes noisy, lively milieu. Still, there is a general adherence to the rule of “first come, first served.”

A stop for coffee at an unfamiliar 7 Eleven can be a perilous venture. These are typically franchise operations. The owners are various, coming from every region of the Earth. The staff tends to be young to young middle-aged, and the turnover of employees frequent events. They also are usually newer Americans. Therefore, they come to work with little understanding of the American ritual of “first cup of coffee.” They may not care a “toot” whether a customer gets a fresh cup of coffee brewed in a clean pot. For this reason the morning coffee preparation may be wanting. Hence, it is essential for workers who desire a good cup of coffee in the morning to choose their 7 Eleven carefully.

However, with due preliminary investigation, the avid coffee-drinker can find a suitable 7 Eleven. Once found, the coffee lover becomes a regular customer. The key to such a convenience stores is the leadership of management. They must instill in their young staff the importance of a fresh coffee in the morning. If they succeed, then they are likely to have a winner in the “morning cup of coffee” competition.

All rights reserved. Gobigfoot, 2007.

The Art Of Eating Cheetos

Ever since I read in the newspapers that our President, George W. Bush, had a fainting “spell” while eating Cheetos, I have wanted to explore this subject. Why? Well, for starters, I eat Cheetos, too. There was a certain bonding with the President, due to this mutual food inclination. Naturally, the thought crossed my mind: There, but for the grace of God, go I. Was I sympathetic? You bet!

Still, there is reason not to rush to judgment. In defense of Cheetos, there were extenuating circumstances. Frankly, Cheetos may have gotten a “bum rap.” There may not have been any cause and effect relationship between the ingestion of “the fatal Cheeto” and the President’s “blacking out.”

Let us consider the objective situation. The President was viewing a sports event on television, as he was ingesting Cheetos. The event in question, as I recall, was a football game. Why were Cheetos singled out for notoriety? Why were they made the fall guy? Folks, it may well be because they are little and they are ORANGE! Prejudice may well have entered the picture.

Speaking of which, why wasn’t the “moving picture” box, aka, television, brought in for questioning by the concerned observers?

For years television has earned the title, “boobtube,” and other similarly unflattering terms. Although Mr. Bush has made no statement in regard to how many years he has been watching the television set, there is reason to suppose that something in the order of 45 years. That is a lot of exposure.

Now, suppose that Mr. Bush has a brain that is somewhat vulnerable to the electronic radiation emitted by the television sets he has watched. Could there be cumulative damage? Could there have been a point in his brain where one more nanosecond of television would short-circuit his equilibrium while, at the same moment, cause transient coma, or “black-out?” Does the brain of the President have a strange addiction to television, much as any other which gradually builds up in the mind of an addict?

When certain addicts get too high a quality of drugs, they may overdose; that is, they go into a coma state. In short they “pass out.”

Now, suppose that President Bush has spent the great bulk of his life watching lower grades of television. Then suppose that the President sat down before a television set which was turned on and showing the President unaccustomed visual quality. Suppose he was suddenly caught up in a great football game or boxing match, as the case may be. The sudden exposure of his brain to this elevated, exciting television fare may have caused an “overdose” reaction. His brain simply could not cope with the quality, and down went the President in his famous fainting “spell.” As he fell, he dropped the bag of Cheetos on the floor nearby.

It is likely that he was not alone in that room. When the President went down, help certainly was immediately summoned. Those there and those arriving would see the Cheetos bag with perhaps a number of Cheetos spread out from the bag. The instant analysis of these people would be that the President maybe had a stroke or heart attack. Soon, however, relieved by an appreciation that the President wasn’t, apparently, seriously sick or injured, the finger of guilt would be raised at the Cheetos bag. They would surround the Cheetos bag as if it were an assassin, screening the President from the threatening bag. The Secret Service would hustle the bag out of the White House (or whichever Presidential locale it was). Meanwhile, doctors would have been summoned, and a helicopter might be hovering nearby, ready to fly the President to a designated hospital. [Wherever he was, contingency plans would have already been prepared, a hospital decided upon, and expert doctors on-call.]

With all this excitement, no one EVER thought it might be the television!

The Cheetos reputation has been somewhat tarnished by this episode. I do not think the President has ever apologized to the product (or its producer) for any abuse which it may have had to endure, due to this episode. I myself felt a certain transient flash of unease the next time I bought a bag of Cheetos, post-presidential “black-out.” Further, as I struggled to open the plastic bag, there came a sudden epiphany: Maybe it wasn’t the television nor the Cheetos, per se; maybe it was the exertion which the President was forced to make to open the plastic bag. He was so depleted by that exertion that when he slightly lowered his head, he went weak, losing consciousness. Is it possible that the President is not in “plastic-bag-opening shape?”

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, would you please lend the President a dumbbell?

All rights reserved. Gobigfoot, 2007.