The Art Of Eating Cheetos

Ever since I read in the newspapers that our President, George W. Bush, had a fainting “spell” while eating Cheetos, I have wanted to explore this subject. Why? Well, for starters, I eat Cheetos, too. There was a certain bonding with the President, due to this mutual food inclination. Naturally, the thought crossed my mind: There, but for the grace of God, go I. Was I sympathetic? You bet!

Still, there is reason not to rush to judgment. In defense of Cheetos, there were extenuating circumstances. Frankly, Cheetos may have gotten a “bum rap.” There may not have been any cause and effect relationship between the ingestion of “the fatal Cheeto” and the President’s “blacking out.”

Let us consider the objective situation. The President was viewing a sports event on television, as he was ingesting Cheetos. The event in question, as I recall, was a football game. Why were Cheetos singled out for notoriety? Why were they made the fall guy? Folks, it may well be because they are little and they are ORANGE! Prejudice may well have entered the picture.

Speaking of which, why wasn’t the “moving picture” box, aka, television, brought in for questioning by the concerned observers?

For years television has earned the title, “boobtube,” and other similarly unflattering terms. Although Mr. Bush has made no statement in regard to how many years he has been watching the television set, there is reason to suppose that something in the order of 45 years. That is a lot of exposure.

Now, suppose that Mr. Bush has a brain that is somewhat vulnerable to the electronic radiation emitted by the television sets he has watched. Could there be cumulative damage? Could there have been a point in his brain where one more nanosecond of television would short-circuit his equilibrium while, at the same moment, cause transient coma, or “black-out?” Does the brain of the President have a strange addiction to television, much as any other which gradually builds up in the mind of an addict?

When certain addicts get too high a quality of drugs, they may overdose; that is, they go into a coma state. In short they “pass out.”

Now, suppose that President Bush has spent the great bulk of his life watching lower grades of television. Then suppose that the President sat down before a television set which was turned on and showing the President unaccustomed visual quality. Suppose he was suddenly caught up in a great football game or boxing match, as the case may be. The sudden exposure of his brain to this elevated, exciting television fare may have caused an “overdose” reaction. His brain simply could not cope with the quality, and down went the President in his famous fainting “spell.” As he fell, he dropped the bag of Cheetos on the floor nearby.

It is likely that he was not alone in that room. When the President went down, help certainly was immediately summoned. Those there and those arriving would see the Cheetos bag with perhaps a number of Cheetos spread out from the bag. The instant analysis of these people would be that the President maybe had a stroke or heart attack. Soon, however, relieved by an appreciation that the President wasn’t, apparently, seriously sick or injured, the finger of guilt would be raised at the Cheetos bag. They would surround the Cheetos bag as if it were an assassin, screening the President from the threatening bag. The Secret Service would hustle the bag out of the White House (or whichever Presidential locale it was). Meanwhile, doctors would have been summoned, and a helicopter might be hovering nearby, ready to fly the President to a designated hospital. [Wherever he was, contingency plans would have already been prepared, a hospital decided upon, and expert doctors on-call.]

With all this excitement, no one EVER thought it might be the television!

The Cheetos reputation has been somewhat tarnished by this episode. I do not think the President has ever apologized to the product (or its producer) for any abuse which it may have had to endure, due to this episode. I myself felt a certain transient flash of unease the next time I bought a bag of Cheetos, post-presidential “black-out.” Further, as I struggled to open the plastic bag, there came a sudden epiphany: Maybe it wasn’t the television nor the Cheetos, per se; maybe it was the exertion which the President was forced to make to open the plastic bag. He was so depleted by that exertion that when he slightly lowered his head, he went weak, losing consciousness. Is it possible that the President is not in “plastic-bag-opening shape?”

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, would you please lend the President a dumbbell?

All rights reserved. Gobigfoot, 2007.